zukeini | VICTORY ROAD IC CONTACT

Hey, Zuke, can we talk?

I know I've been pretty unreachable the past...while. Actually, probably a lot of us in our group have. And I don't know if anyone's let you know what's been going on with that, so I wanted to touch base.

Especially since a little birdie told me you haven't been doing so hot yourself. Am I wrong in guessing that's got to do with what we talked about?

Oh, Claude, hey.

Listen, whatever you heard, I’m sorry. It’s not you, or anyone else, it’s me. It’s me trying to work this all out and I’m not too great at it. But I don’t want any of you guys to worry about that when you have your own problems.

[…and old habits die hard, Dimitri told him not to do this…]

But I didn’t want to pry either. Everyone has been really down lately, Felix especially. I knew this. But I didn’t know how to ask him. So I just tried to play by his rules. And I haven’t really seen him since.

Edited 2021-09-16 05:10 (UTC)

Well, even if you didn't ask, you deserve to know. It's just that I guess none of us have really been in a great place for communicating for awhile. Felix and I have been a mess, and Dimitri...well, he's probably a mess too, but he's been focusing on looking after the two of us. And Grant's just been trying to hold us all together, and look after Chip, who's having a rough time of their own.

Long story short: Sylvain got sent home. It's been...hard.

But that doesn't make your having a rough time less important, you know. I'm just sorry none of us have really been in a state to address what you're worrying about. You don't deserve to be kept on the hook indefinitely like this. The thing is, I know I personally have no intentions of rejecting you, but...well, acceptance under the circumstances isn't just a me thing. It's more of a committee process. And the circumstances are making calling that meeting pretty hard to schedule.

That putting strain on you isn't your fault, though. It's not a failing. It'd be pretty stressful for anybody. And it bothers me that there's nothing immediate we can do about that, because...well, the talk that'd have to happen is going to have to involve Felix, and I honestly don't know when he'll be ready to talk about his boyfriends potentially dating somebody new after he's lost his husband. It can be done sooner or later, I'm sure of that much; Felix has taken heavy losses before and moved on from them. In his own way, I think he might be the best of us at finding a way to recover enough to do what needs doing after something like this, despite his grief. But I'm worried doing it too soon...would just be way too thoughtless.

But it feels like having to make a choice between which of you has to suffer, and I hate it. This limbo isn't fair to you, even if I don't see a better solution right now.

[It was hard for him to focus on anything else at the moment because-]

Wait. Sylvain left?

He was sent home?

Never mind me right now. I know Felix isn’t a talker but at least tell me you guys are together now getting through this. Especially him.

[It's still hard to say. It's still hard to see the words in text. But Claude pushes past it, with difficulty. This is important, too. Zuke is important, too. It's not just who he's lost that matters, but who he still has.]

Yeah. We just woke up one morning, and...he was gone.

Also, we've done a lot of never minding you up until this point. That's why I'm talking to you now. We've had plenty of time to wallow in misery without anybody pushing us to communicate like human beings, but it's time we actually got back to functioning again. At some point it stops being reasonable and starts being actively unfair.

And yeah, we're together now. After it first happened, though...Felix ran off for a bit. He actually left before the rest of us even knew it had happened. He was gone for...around a week, I think. Maybe a little longer. Honestly, my own sense of time until he got back wasn't the greatest. I...didn't hold it together as well as I would have liked.

I'm so sorry, I didn't know at all if I had I would've held it more together.

[No, Zuke promised Dimitri and Claude he'd stop apologizing so much. Despite his desire to want to, as the guilt was really settling in that everything was messed up and now it was extra messed up with his confessions. It hurt him in the gut and everywhere else, thinking about his effect on Felix and others in all of the times he spoke to them before he knew.

The guilt was far too hard to shake. Especially how close they are and Zuke had to get confident and bump his head inside.

He honestly felt sick.]

I'm sorry again. [D'oh.] Felix was alone with just his Pokemon so I felt something was wrong but it felt disrespectful to pry. I can't imagine how it felt because you're all so close to each other and all function as a unit. I wish I knew what to do...

Just I’m so sorry Claude, I really am.

But. Wait so, does...everyone know now?

Edited 2021-09-22 01:38 (UTC)

That's something neither Sylvain or any of us want, you know. I know the timing's unfortunate, but that's not on you, and none of us want you to feel like you have to hide things from us at your own expense. I get the intent behind your sentiment, that you would've kept quiet out of consideration of us, but...telling us the truth is its own consideration, Zuke, and hiding it is its own problem. Both choices had their upsides and downsides, so let's just focus on the choice you went with instead of you sitting there fretting about whether or not the other one would've been better. That's not going to help anyone.

I appreciate the sympathy, though.

Does everyone know what? That Sylvain's gone?

Yeah

Yeah, I guess you're right. It just seemed like it was another headache to everybody when you all didn't deserve it. But you're right, it's not lying more or less to anyone but myself. But it doesn't mean I'm not leaving you guys hanging.

It's just none of it feels like I'm being good to you guys. Whether I spill or not.

Like, does the group know about all of this?

You're no headache, Zuke. You're someone who means a lot to us. And you having such deep feelings for us could never be anything but a compliment, regardless of any awkward timing involved. So don't ever think otherwise.

I know if our positions were reversed, you'd be horrified at the idea of me feeling guilty for having feelings for you, or regretting being honest with you about them - maybe even feeling like I shouldn't have those feelings at all. Right? So treat yourself the way you'd treat me. Sweetly. Like I'd given you a gift, and just because the timing was bad and you aren't exactly ready or in the mood to open it yet doesn't mean you resent the gesture, or that it has no meaning to you.

You keep being too vague with your question. What 'this' are we talking about? Sylvain's disappearance, or your feelings? I guess context clues might hint at the latter.

VICTORY ROAD IC CONTACT

Backdated to...sometime in late September

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject